Andrew C. Archives

You say that Dagwood Bumstead died of ulcers?
From eatin' all those sandwiches at dawn?
And Blondie's turnin' tricks in San Diego?
And Mr. Dithers, he's her favorite John?

And Plastic Man's appearin' in a side show?
And Sandy's gotten rabies and he bites?
And I hear tell that Olive Oyl and Wimpy and the Jeep
Were orgying behind poor Popeye's back.

Someone said that punchy Joe Palooka
Now works as a swestlin' referee,
And Little Goody Two-shoes, she bought some high-heel new shoes
And she's dancin' topless down in Tennessee.

You say the Revenooers, they nabbed ol' Snuffy
For makin' that illegal mountain dew?
And there's a warrent out for Daddy Warbucks
For the things he made poor Orphan Annie do?

But don't tell me that Tonto and the Lone Ranger
Was doin' anything but fightin' crime,
Yeah, I know they had no gals, but they was only pals.
What's that, you say Prince Valiant's doin' time?

I hear the Human Torch works in a steel mill,
He had to get himself a steady job,
While Punjab and the Asp ran a little short of cash,
They're workin' now as hit men for the Mob.

Perry Winkle's now a true transvestite.
Why did his parents make him dress that way?
And Lamont Cranston spends his time cloudin' people's minds
And hanging round the Y.W.C.A.

Dick Tracy, he now works as a night watchman?
Took a bribe and got thrown off the force?
And Red Ryder ain't around 'cause he got run out of town
For doin' somethin' freaky with his horse?

Rex Morgan, he got busted for abortions
And Smilin' Jack don't fly much anymore.
I hear they grabbed his ass with a planeload full of grass
And Downwind turned him in for the reward.